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Wait, what's this? Someone with a name like mine weighing 240 pounds and trying to lose weight? How can I be fighting with anorexia when I'm that heavy and trying to lose weight?
If you're asking yourself that then you have no bloody idea what this eating disorder can cause.
Yes, I am a male anorexia sufferer. I'm 25, stand at 6'1" and am currently 240 pounds, but only two years ago I weighed in at a puny 140 pounds and that's not even the lowest I've been. My lowest weight was 95 pounds, my heaviest was 260 (about a month and a half ago) meaning that in the last month and a half I have dropped 20 pounds. No, that's not great, that is too much loss too fast.
Ana (Short term for anorexia) is a tricky b****, she's like a bad ex, you think you're done with her, you've made her move out of your house and erased her number, you're doing well and then, as soon as you have an upset she comes back knocking at your door demanding to be let back into your life. The worst thing is that she's so cunning it's hard to resist her.
That upset can be different for different people. For me it's been a cycle. I end up too skinny, start having health problems, fight to put on more weight even if it leaves me puking (not self induced) because my body isn't use to taking in so much food again, finally start to gain weight, end up so scared to end up feeling how I felt when I was tiny so I fight to put on more, get to a weight I should be at (for me 170 pounds is that magic little number) but the fear is still there so I try to put on more and, once I do I realize that there's obvious fat on me, you guessed it, here comes Ana knocking at my damned door again.
So the cycle repeats. I did pretty well this time, too well and put on too much weight wanting to break that cycle, desperate to break that cycle but now I feel like a walking blimp. Logically I know that 240 isn't too bad of a weight for my height, a bit high but not horridly so but I feel like I'm morbidly obese. So I want to lose weight again.
I just don't want to lose THAT much weight again. So I'm going to try to keep my caloric intake at about 2,400, which I haven't been reaching for about two months. Honestly I've only been taking in about 1,700 which is far too little for my size. Why am I taking in so little? You guessed it, Ana. It's back in full swing and I need to get a handle on it so this damned cycle stops.
I realize full well what this is doing to my body, ending up so skinny for so long, panicking, putting on weight, realizing there's actual fat on me, hardly eating, dropping it so fast, staying that tiny for such spans of time until the health issues start up again, start eating to gain out of fear again, and repeat. I want to stop it. I want to get back down to 170 but no lower. I want to keep myself at 170.
So yea, I'm an anorexic who's been fighting this disorder for some time now. Just because someone isn't skinny at the time doesn't mean that Ana is gone, it just means that the person has done pretty well in the fight against it but there is always the potential for it to come back and that's what it's doing to me right now.
I'm hoping that using the meal tracker feature of this site can give me more insight into my own eating habits so I can use that data and go from there, so that, when I get to my ideal weight, I don't keep dropping like I normally do.
I know most of the people here don't have this issue, for most this site is used for dieting just to lose weight and the worry of losing too much never crosses most people's minds. For me, I know I'll lose this weight, I always do but the way I do it isn't healthy and it goes too far, too fast. I want to use the tools of this site to avoid that happening yet again, just so I know what I'm taking in. Being overweight is just as dangerous and unhealthy as being underweight, just in different ways, neither is better than the other.
Please, don't hate me and don't dare envy my ability to drop weight so fast, you DON'T want this. You DON'T want to end up as tiny as I've been and you DON'T want the health issues it can cause.
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2341 kcal
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2938 kcal
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