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I have had a great weekend and good week so far. I endulged a bit this weekend but I can't say I made horrible choices. I know I def didn't get enough water though. I had jumped from 176 to 180, crazy. Back down to 177.2 and hoping to get back where I should be. Nervous about this weekend coming up. My aunt, who I haven't seen since I was 10 or so, is coming to town to see us and meet all of our children. We are supposed to have steamed crabs, hamburgers and hot dogs. (I have gotten good with no buns). Saturday is my in-law's wedding anniversary party, I will definitely need to practice restraint for their awesome cooking! We have a trip planned too! I am hoping it will give us lots of opportunity to get walking in, swimming too. I'm just really nervous. It's so much harder to get my water in when things aren't "routine". I know I need to calm down, I am not where I started, I do make better choices now too. It will be a great time though, I do know that, whether I get back and have to "pay the piper" or not.
I have had a lot going on in my head lately. Ultimately, I know I am really stressed, I recognize it. I am really trying not to be but I can just feel it. I just feel myself "tightening" up. Maybe a bit of it is things going on here (even though things are much better), or the "social" events coming up. I used to be such a social butterfly and now I am so "closed". I was thinking about that yesterday in the shower. Thought I would write about to get it out of my head and decided against it. I am immersed in work (someone else's work at that). I know things are so much better when I just get it out of my head and heart. So I will take the time to get it out.
I used to bring people into my life and love and care for them so deeply and I've been so burned that I just stopped doing it. I used to say if I had one true friend, my life was complete. Even that one didn't last, it was conditional. I wasn't fitting some mold or I expected someone to support me the way I had supported them. It's always hurt me really bad. I think ultimately all I want in life is for someone to just love me, accept me, make me feel valued. I've gained new perspective, no I am not perfect, I will never be perfect, but I am deserving of what I give.
I get people that want to have that closeness with me and I don't allow it to happen. I keep people at a distance from me. If I don't give that deep love to others, I don't expect it from them. No harm, no gain. It's worrisome to "keep my eggs in one basket" with my husband, but he has never let me down. Our disagreements get resolved. He listens to my "I may be wrong, I may be irrational, but it's how I feel and this hurts me or this upsets me." He cares about that. He sits down and we talk it out, he makes me feel better. He understands me. He doesn't put me into some mold. I am simple, but he sees that my emotions are complex. I'm sensitive and I am so defensive these days and demand that people WILL respect my feelings.
I am such a strong person, stronger than I ever was. There are so many factors that have made me so. Life. Those who have stomped me, loved me and left me, those that have treated me as their punching bag and I took it because I loved them. Those that value me, those that have told me "You don't deserve this", "You are better", "You should be proud". I should, I should most definitely feel proud of myself. I have accomplished so much. I hope some day I will believe it and feel it myself without the nagging, "I could be so much better..." I spent so much time in my life saying "I'm sorry" all the time. No one else was ever sorry, it always seemed they told me: "You should be." There's a point where you just have to tell people, "you are hurting me."
"Sorry" these days, is just a word. You're sorry. Isn't everyone? Break a plate, say I'm sorry, it's still broken. Genuine "sorry" means I love you, I want to make this better, I don't want to hurt you anymore, I don't want to hurt you again. It's acknowledging fault, acknowledging someone else's emotions. It's taking the time and effort to understand it. It's taking the time to make it better. It's gluing the pieces back into place and moving forward. My husband has helped me understand "me" this way. He's had the patience to deal with what people have changed me into. He's taught me that it's ok to talk. He actually cares. I can vomit my emotions, and he's not standing there telling me I'm wrong. He understands, I just feel this way. He helps me work through it.
I realize I have found my greatest companion in my husband who "truly" loves me for who I am. He doesn't ask me to be anything else but who I am. I used to think other people would love me to the same depth that I loved them and I was wrong with them all, except him. Even when I know I'm wrong and irrational, he tells me "I'm sorry too." I know in my heart I deserve him and the love he gives me, but most of me says that I am so undeserving. This thought constantly makes me appreciate him, he loves me so much and he doesn't have to. No one has to love me, sometimes I am not even loveable, yet there he is telling me I am beautiful. There I am telling him he's crazy! :) I love him as much as day 1, genuinely. Six years later, that's an amazing thing.
Just when I feel like I am alone, I know that I am not. When I want to understand the tugging in my heart, I just need to write or talk. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I don't talk to people about this losing weight thing. I may mention something here and there if it comes up. Or if it's a big point for me. Even then, I don't make a big point. Seems when it comes up, it warrants a compliment and I just don't take compliments well. I choose this as my journal because where I track my food, people know me, here I don't know anyone, I'm just a username. Just another person on my own journey. It's not only a weight loss journey, there are more things I am trying to get better at. There are lots of things actually. Some goals I'll never meet, but I know I will try. I'm not perfect, I'll never be perfect. I'm just me, I always want to be a better "me". I deserve that, my husband deserves that, my children deserve that.
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