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Over night I read back through my journal entries from when I tried to start this process over last year. So many things happened that made that a disaster year. I started out very well. Then it seems that I started to cause problems for myself. Then my dad got sick, was getting better, then died suddenly. My mom wanted me to stay in Ohio to help her. So I was there until the end of May. Then she came to visit for June and July. My grandma died very suddenly in June. And a great aunt died shortly thereafter. At the end of July I drove her home and stayed with her. She wanted me to extend my visit so I was there until October. I came back home in October. Since then I have been trying to deal with a crazy, messed up life.
During the past year I have had at least 3 "episodes" of some kind that have caused me to fall down, wonder around, say and do things I don't remember or just sit and look dazed and out of it. They took me to the hospital once for it. It was diagnosed as transient global amnesia. It can cause amnesia on a small scale. Like forgetting the day. Or on a large scale. Like forgetting most things. I have a lot of forgotten stuff. The biggest measurable time so far was most things from a Thursday to a Sunday. I do not remember most of it. I have flashes every once in a while of people I talked to. But not much else.
My life feels like it is up in the air. I thought this was happening because of the deaths in my family and being away from home so long. When I read my journals, I realized that this was starting to happen before then. It showed me how I felt then. Also opened my eyes to putting words to the way I feel now. Because I was able to express those feelings easier then. More understanding of myself is a good, maybe even a great thing.
There are things in those journals that might help me to be successful now. I'm going to change a few stupid little things that I think might help me.
One thing I realized is that I am having the same problem sleeping that I had then. The answer then was to go to sleep and sleep until I got up. I still don't have a job. So that might be the answer to that problem. Sleep until I get up. No matter how long that is. Then maybe I will feel better. Then go to bed at a reasonable time.
Another thing I did was add fruit to my water. I drank all my water that way. Drinking all my water seemed to help me feel better.
I also pushed myself much, much more with exercise. This time I've been really wimpy! And here I thought I was pushing myself. When I checked in on the Wii I did not look at my weight. Just my BMI. My weight is different on the Wii than it is on my scale.
I mention a file that I found on my computer from 2012. I do not know what that is but I am going to try to find it. The only problem is that there a a bunch of files I can't open because my Microsoft Word Starter 2010 won't open for some reason. It says that it doesn't exist. So I guess I will have to buy it to get to those files. Also, I mention that I got the food paperwork that I needed from my surgeon's office. But I don't know if that is true. It might be the stuff I already have.
I've been feeling sick. I don't seem to be able to eat much. I don't know if I said something about this before. I kept feeling like I was going to throw up when I made my pudding or soup with milk in it. The pudding was a little running but I wasn't really noticing. Then one day I went to eat some butterscotch pudding and it looked terrible. I asked my DH to taste it. He thought it tasted okay. So I spooned some out to eat it. Still looked bad to me. So I took a taste off the spoon. It was really nasty to me! I said something to him. And I had just told him that both gallons of milk were spoiled. Seemed like that was way ahead of time. I'm not a big fan of milk. So if it's past the date, I pretty much can taste the difference. But this was clumped and nasty spoiled. Because of both of these things, DH checked out the fridge. It was messed up. The fan was not running. So he fixed it. We have been using it for 3 days with the fixed fan but it still doesn't seem cold enough. So today after he gets off work we have to get a fridge. That will be a good thing. Maybe after that I can eat more foods.
Another thing that I mentioned in my past journals was that I sabotage myself. Really bad. One way is by thinking that I have to be perfect. Once I feel better then I have to do everything. My loving DH told me that he wanted me to concentrate on my health. To get my exercise in. To eat properly. He would worry about the rest. So when I start, I feel free. I can focus on me and my health. As time goes on and I am feeling stronger. I am doing better. I am making progress. Feeling better. Then I begin to not feel free. I feel trapped in myself. I feel better so I have to do something besides "be selfish". I have to do something besides worry about just me. I start to build the trap. The fence around me. Around my new health house that I am building. So I build the fence instead of the house. And last time I checked you can't live in a fence or on a fence. Very uncomfortable. So THAT has got to change!! I have to listen to my DH. He knows me so well. And he knows our situation better than I do. Especially now that I have problems with my memory. So I am going to stay focused on exercise. Making it possible to get in my exercise. Focus on rest. Getting enough sleep. Focus on eating properly. Focus on drinking my water. Focus on my health. Every single day!!
I am so sorry for running off like I did. I want to thank everyone for all of their support. And I am sorry for my lack of support to you. I remember some things. But I get confused with a lot of the things I do remember. Some I just don't remember at all. I am really sorry for that. I am going to try to do better.
Thank you again for all of your support.
I hope everyone has a great day.
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