icymaiden's Logboek, 20 okt 11

I know you will make decisions when you get ready. Sometimes, it just takes us a while to be really ready to confront everything. Sometimes, in my case, the hardest part is to confront myself and face the role I have in whatever is going on around me. As for your bedroom repairs... think about what a great birthday you will have to remember.... Don't think about it with dread. Sheetrock work and painting and all that stuff is wonderful exercise and you get the great feeling of accomplishment when it is over. plus, you have a wonderful new space to enjoy. Home repairs are always a daunting task but so worthwhile! You get to be creative and make a space that you are proud of. Something that you can look at everyday and say - I did it. I can do anything.  

I think my dread comes from knowing if I had handled things my way, I would have done as the insurance company wanted, I wouldn't have to be doing these repairs at all. I would have had the funds to have a professional do it. But I let my hubby's fear dictate how this has played out. So right now, the fact that I have to do it, just makes me resent him even more than I do. It's not the work I resent, but the bad descisions that led to the fact that I have to do the work at all.  

Well - who among us can change the past? I can't. I have made some really boneheaded decisions in the past. Really screwed up my life in the past. nothing that I can ever do will change the past. All I can do is change the present. I can change my attitude and change my thought processes. in fact, I can change everything about today. Everything that I do and think and everything that is around me is a choice that I am making right now. I can change my choice and change my life. At this point in time, I am all powerful. Make your choices with determination and deciciveness. Realize how powerful you are in the here and now. When you come to terms with that - the shear vastness of your power over the here and now will help you realize that what is in the past is nothing compared to what is in the now. Why let the past drag you down now?  

because the past is still affecting my present and future here and now . Every night I have to sleep on the floor I am reminded that someone elses decision that was based on fear instead of logic has brought me to a place I don't wish to be.  

All I can say is that you need to stop and really think about the situation. What role did you play in getting yourelf to this point and what role can you play in getting out of it. you will fiure it out in time - when you are ready. And Ice - I can't tell you how wonderful it feels when you can really see the choices you have made and control the choices that you now make. You will get there if you really want to. I am amazed at how much my life has changed since I finally started to see me and my role clearly. I am a taker and a peacemaker. i have always figured that it was better for me to hurt than to chance hurting someone else. So I just took it - whatever it was. never rock the boat because if you do, you may not like the outcome was my motto. Not now. i still don't want to hurt anyone or offend anyone but I am someone also and I have determined that it is not acceptible for me to let someone use me as an emotional punching bag. My husband is good at that. He can be very ugly and abusive. not physical abuse but emotional abuse. Now i know that he is not the one at fault - it is me who has chosen to put up with it. i did not stand up and put a stop to it so I deserve the fact that it got worse. No more. I no longer take it. If he gets snippy with me, i stand up for myself. If he does not do what needs to be done, I know I can do anything that he can do. This moring he got snippy with me and said he was tired of me because I did not agree with his plans for the pond. I told him I did not care and that he was just mad because i did not agree with him. Get over it and don't ask me next time. I am not going to bow down and say yes sir you wonderful knowledgeable man. So he left mad and called me later to say that he loved me. He rarely says that. bottom line is - I am in control of how I react. I am in control of if I am happy. these are my choices and I now see where I can make different choices because I can clearly see the choices I am making. Sorry if that is too long a rant. As i said, you will get through all this... I have faith in you 

I hope you find a way to enjoy your birthday weeked eventhough is sure sounds like eventually you will be mudding & sanding & painting...this weekend or next. Have you decided what color to paint your room? That is always a hard choice for me!  

Elizabeth: I understand the concept "you fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" But I don't agree that you deserved to be treated this way by someone who claims to love you or that it is your fault. The abuser is at fault, not the victim. Nobody deserves that. Neither do I. GG check you inbox for color scheme, cause FS keeps cutting off the damn link.  

Very nice choice! So unusual, where did you find it? It will be gorgeous when you are finally done! Home improvements/repairs are a real pain! 

Actually my roomate had the bathroom set and when he moved in he said I could use it and I fell in love with it. Planning on putting some glow in the dark stars and such on the ceiling as well.  

What i meant was that I had never set the boundaries. He kept pushing them but I never once pushed back. it was my fault for not letting him know what was and was not acceptible behavior. he should never have een ugly to me but he never understood that he was being ugly because I just took it. No more. he now knows that some things are just not OK. I can not control him but I can control myself. I don't allow it anymore. period. I no longer look at it as that everything he does to me is his issue. It is my issue what I allow. my choice. my life. i am not a victim and I will not be thinking like a victim. I can let things he says hurt my feelings or I can not. They are my feelings after all. I refuse to be hurt all the time. I refuse to feel bad about things he has done.