icymaiden's Logboek

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28 september 2011

So I'm on the Eliptical yesterday, bouncing along and I just couldn't get my boobs to stay in my sports bra. I kept having to pull them back into the sports bra from the top as discretely as possible and put em back in place. At first I thought maybe the elastic had worn out or if the sports bra was defective? The last batch I bought prior to this batch lasted me for years faithfully. I wore the fabric out of them eventually. These newer ones I haven't had but a year. Today, driving home (yes it took a whole other day) I finally figured out it wasn't the elastic or the sports bra at all.

I've lost many inches around my waist and my hips and even my bust, but I was measuring around the biggest part, NOT underneath where my rib cage is. Also my boobs are the last place I lose, so even last month I had no problem with the sports bra. During the last few weeks I've lost enough inches around my ribs to totally flop out of the underside of my sports bra! It's the one article of clothing I never thought of replacing with something smaller. Today, I bought a new better and smaller sports bra!

27 september 2011

26 september 2011

Must remind myself every day even once I am at my goal weight, I feel better when eating low carb. Physically and mentally. I am free of 55 pounds of fat and many inches (last count was 12 around my waist). But I am still not a happy person. But my unhappiness is now not compounded by my outer self image. My outer self is looking pretty good. I'm proud of myself for having not truly given up. It's not that I don't think I can make my goal. I know I can. But what purpose does it serve to be healthy and still be unhappy? Why can't I be happy with my accomplishments so far? Why is that not enough for me? I've treated the symptoms of my weight gain, but not the reasons for it in the first place. Everybody will tell you weight loss and exercise is hard. That is really nothing compared to fixing what is wrong with the gray matter in our skull that causes us to turn to food in the first place. That is where I am now. I know I can treat the symptom, but that's not enough. I need to identify the reasons I gained in the first place.

26 september 2011

Dissappointed in myself. I celebrated 10 days of re-dedication by ruining the 10 days worth of work i did. I drank/ate off plan Friday and Saturday, and some of Sunday. 10 days of work shot down by 3 days of free eating. I don't know why I bother to make goals, since the second I reach them I sabotage myself. Next weigh in will probably be higher than the weight I recorded 4 days ago. Nobody to blame but myself. I'm my own worst enemy. Today I really hate myself.

On another note I'm having more disconnection with my clothing. I went thrifting Saturday. Brought back 2 pairs of pants. Did the wash Sunday and as I was folding the 2 new pairs of pants I looked down at them and my brain said "Boy those are look small, you're never going to fit into them you're too fat" Course that was crap, cause I just tried them on the day before and they fit beautifully. I don't know why my brain's self image is so different than reality. Course that disconnect has been there forever. When I was fat my brain told me I wasn't really fat, and now that I've lost weight my brain is trying to convince me that I am still fat. Seems my brain's self image never matches what I really look like.

25 september 2011

The good:

According to my BMI this morning I'm 3lbs away from being "overweight" to "normal" Yesterday I went to the thrift store. Upon trying on 6 pair of pants in various sizes I found that I could be anywhere from a size 8 to a size 12 (gotta love vanity sizing eh ~sarcasm~) Most of the 8's were too tight, the only 8 that fit was labeled as "curvy" and about 1/2 of the size 10's fit. I wound up with 2 pairs of pants, one says 11/12 and the other 10. So if clothes were all made the same I'd guess I'm about a 10/11 at this point. Had to replace 2 pairs of pants that are way too loose and 2 pairs that had broken zippers.

The Bad:

Trader joes is discontinuing my main source of cheese and this upsets me greatly. We buy 2 bags a week of the Smoked Cheese Blend and I use it in almost everything. I used it in eggs, in my soups, in my salads daily and a great deal of my recipes. Nobody else makes anything close to it. It's got gouda, smoked cheddar, mozzerella and provolone. I don't know what I'm going to do without this cheese blend. Nothing will taste as good without out. Damn you Trader Joes!

Other:

I made it 10 days of re-dedication before I made the choice Friday to deviate. I consumed way to many calories and carbs friday night (3 Sminoff ices alone caused me 100 carbs OMG, and I had a chocolate bar and doritos as well) I didn't feel so good yesterday, not sure if it was the food or lack of sleep or both, but due to the fact that I felt dizzy all day I'm thinking all those carbs Friday caused a blood sugar spike that was NOT good for me. I also didn't stay low carb yesterday, but it was not as bad as Friday. Only had 2 meals, one low carb, one high carb. I don't feel as bad today, but still a bit icky in the tummy. Gonna be good today and not eat/drink high carb. I don't like the way the carbs affected my body (headache, tummy ache, dizzyness) and it's just not worth it. I need to stick to pure rum and not malt beverages when I choose to drink.


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