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25 augustus 2011

TOM...ugh..feel like crap, course the scale is showing me 1.5 lb increase due to water weight...blah...Didn't go swimming but I did lift some weights this morning. That is gonna be the only exercise I get today. I'm a bit worried about being able to stay on plan with both the food and the exercise with this storm coming. If power goes out it's gonna screw up my routine greatly.

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23 augustus 2011

I just want to escape life today. Everything I say, do and think is apparently wrong according to everyone else. So it must be me that is the problem, and not everyone else. I just wanna get on a train, or a plane, or in a car and just flee. Never look back. I'm tired...so tired of fighting and trying and getting no place. And no this is about my weight. I've gotten somewhere with that. It's the one thing I can actually control. It's everything else in my life that I want to run from. Why fight so hard to be knocked down by life? Why do I follow all the rules and do as I'm told and get nowhere, while other people do as they please, treat others badly, steal lie and cheat and still get ahead? Nobody said life would be fair, but DAMMIT it shouldn't be unfair all the time either. I don't think I have it in me to go on much longer feeling this way. I really don't.

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23 augustus 2011

I'm not to the point in my weight loss that people are starting to question why I'm still on this plan. I was talking to my boss yesterday about how I was always cold (even in summer) and I can't warm up cause I've lost my insulation (fat). She was like "well you've lost all that weight" and i said i wasn't done yet and grabbed what was left of my fat roll. She apparently thinks I've lost all I should. Now I'm alright at this weight, but I'm still pudgy. I look ok in clothing, but as soon as the pants are off you can see fat. I'm thinking I'm going to start hearing "you're already skinny enough, why are you still dieting?" much more now. I'm just not sure how to answer that without people thinking I'm going overboard.

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22 augustus 2011

Got my third swimming suit since I began this journey. I've shrunk out of two already in less than 6 months. Daunting task finding swimwear in August. Dear stores, It is still hot in August, so Yes, some people still want swimwear when it's hot. It's not like I'm expecting to find swimsuit in December. Really it's not. Thankfully my mom suggested TJ Maxx, and they had tons and tons of swimsuits. Only paid $15 bucks and it's a one piece, with tback straps!

I drank stuff off plan Saturday & yesterday i shouldn't have. My tummy sure let me know it was not pleased. I am grateful for the reminder, since my brain is still convinced that sugar is my best friend. It's monday, so I'm back on plan (yet again). Easy to stay on track when I'm trapped at work and I have to eat what I brought. But I'm not going to beat myself up for a few slip ups here and there. I'm human, I have flaws, I make mistakes. The important part is to not keep repeating those same mistakes and get right back on plan. I feel better on plan, and my body does too.

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21 augustus 2011

Having a day sort of off plan. I think I can handle it, and I've worked damn hard to get to the 50lb loss mark. Didn't eat much for breakfast, just a few strawberries and my morning coffee. Our area got light rail up and running this weekend, so hubby and I decided to ride the train to downtown and have lunch. The train was nice, but very packed. First time I've ever been on a real train (not counting those kind at amusement parks).

So we wound up at Ruby Tuesdays, and what do you know their tortilla soup is NOT here in the data base (nor do I have any clue what's really in it, it's cheesy, chicken, and green & red peppers, but no idea what else) but I had that with a burger and fries. I've really changed, i can tell by how I ate that meal. I had no problem eating the soup quick, it was just a cup not a bowl. And I love soup. The burger came with fries. The pile of fries must have been at least 1.5 to 2 cups worth. I can't believe I used to eat that much with no issue. I did eat some fries, but not more than 10 probably less. They were bland and starchy, so my palate does NOT miss them, just my brain. So i guess every once in awhile I might eat a french fry just to remind my brain that my body doesn't really like them any longer. The burger was the same story. I tried to eat it like normal people do...I took maybe 2-3 small bites out of it before ditching the bun and just eating the patty. The bread was just too filling and the wrong sort of feeling full. The meal also came with a small but fresh made chocolate chip cookies. I gave 1/2 of it to my hubby (in the past I could have eaten a dozen in 15 minutes all by myself) and ate the half. It was so sweet as to almost be sickening. I had cookies last weekend as well at a party, and had the same reaction, they were so so sweet i can't believe i never noticed it before. Tolerance I guess, now that most of the sweet things I eat are sweetened with splenda real sugar is just Way to sweet to be tolerated by my body.

My biggest issue no longer is my body craving anything sugary or high carb. It's my brain. And when I do allow myself to eat something not so healthy my body lets me know it right away, which actually signals my brain to stop eating it. Also doesn't hurt that my stomach has shrunk. So things have changed for the better. Just every once in awhile I will have to eat something sweet or starchy to remind my brain "See, you really were wrong, that didn't taste like you said it would" Hoping eventually after multiple reinforcement my brain will get the message and won't need those reminders. I'm almost to that point with potatoes. I've been trying them here and there for the last 6 months, and every time but once, they just didn't taste as good as my brain was telling me they did. The only one that still was just as my brain remembered it, was the potato salad my mom makes. That might be the only kind of potatoes I'll ever eat again. Which now, doesn't make me sad, but glad. It's now longer a matter of willpower, it's more of a matter of "I no longer like them". My taste buds have changed!

I think this time I will be able to stay healthy long term. Because my taste buds have changed, and I have too.

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