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09 juli 2014

As I am recovering from the lurch upwards, the first in months actually, can't really complain about that, I am left to ponder over the last week. I have a schizoaffective bipolar subtype and it got out of control the last week. I have a four page list of coping skills to go through for how to get through the train wreck that happens, but none listed for how to cope with the insanity of cravings that comes with the moods going everywhere. The voices never help in this matter either, other than to tempt me into a world of starvation and overexercising. The world of Ed. The tips and tricks float through my mind easily. Hungry? Exercise for 15 mins? Still hungry? Exercise some more. Suck on a sugar free peppermint to kill hunger. See the pattern? It's about defeating hunger, not a craving.

The rules do not apply.

I have considered the option of treating cravings as an act of self-injury and using those coping skills, but I fear the idea of turning a craving into this frame of mind, what it means. Is a craving really a form of injury if indulged? As it is not something on the physical level will something physical break my mind from it? The only thing I can think is what I am learning in my "Feel Better Now" class that the mind has a hard time focusing on more than one thing at a time, unless you're manic. When manic my mind has kept up with six different trains of thought all running around in my head. When manic, which has been happening in the evenings, my mind is fully capable of being intent on my abstract coloring book while pounding on me with a craving.

These are cravings of the mind, not the body. The body is easy to placate. A bit of a strong flavored item here or there usually takes care of it. The mind is something else. It is powerful. It runs everything. I have been struggling since I was a toddler to combat the pulls of my own mind.

As my uncle would say, wherever I go, there I am. I need to examine my coping skills and figure out what I can apply to eating that is not dysfunctional. I know one thing I need to do is work on the logic aspect of my wise mind to override the emotional. Maybe that's the key, pumping up the wise mind to balance the logic and the emotion. The emotion can sound logical with rationalizations, but it is still emotion.

Wise mind is a start.

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08 juli 2014

Gewicht:	Tot nu toe verloren:	Nog te gaan:	Dieet gevolgd:
131,3 kg	0 kg	59,6 kg	Slecht

(1 reactie) Gewichtstoename van 2,9 kg per week

30 juni 2014

As I have reached my first milestone of 287 a couple of weeks ago I have been really struggling with who I am as a person. My life has been dictated a lot by my weight. My friends always select a booth knowing that I could not easily fit into it. It was embarrassing to have my stomach partially on the table. Eating out was also filled with the idea of being judged for what I was eating. Riding on the bus was needing to get two empty seats so that one side of my butt wouldn't be squeezed in. Every normal aspect of my day was influenced by my size. Even where my cat curled up on me was reflective of my size. My life has been seemingly controlled by my weight. Now, that weight is going away. Who am I now?

I have heard lots of times, "You are who you are and will be that person when you reach your goal." This is perhaps the least helpful response I have received. I appreciate the support in that area, but the statement is wrought with problems. I don't know who I am. I have a few traits that make up a person, but it does not create an identity. I have been the "Fat Friend" for too long. For awhile I was the biggest person in my family as well, even bigger than my brother outweighing his 6'2" frame with my 5'5" frame.

When I arrive at that magic moment of the goal, will I remember that I am not that person anymore? I stop when I catch my reflection as it seems so foreign to me. There is my face, but where is this body coming from?

The question that I seem to be seeking the answer to is who I want to be when I reach my goal. I can figure out the numbers game of weight, size, measurements, etc., but those are numbers, easy peasy. Who am I now? Where am I really going? How will people treat me compared to now?

Now, people drive by throwing things at my head (in one case a couple of empty beer bottles as they took passes trying to hit me with them), while yelling at me to exercise and put down the twinkie. I'm not sure why they even thought that yelling at me to exercise when I was doing just that was helpful or how they thought a concussion would help me out. I receive revulsion. If someone smells it is immediately blamed on me. Someone farts and, of course, it has to be me. The comments from the doctors that I need to lose weight, the comments of, "Well, I don't think this is the right store for you," from store clerks.

My world is changing. I am changing. How do I hold on? How do I figure out who I am, and who I am becoming? I have defenses to ward off the problems with being overweight, but what will be the problems of being within my normal range? Will everyone disregard my hard work believing I look that way naturally? Will I wear this journey like some kind of badge that has to be acknowledged? When people notice me, will they see what I see or something more?

(7 reacties)

30 juni 2014

Gewicht:	Tot nu toe verloren:	Nog te gaan:	Dieet gevolgd:
128,0 kg	1,3 kg	56,3 kg	Redelijk Goed

Reactie Toevoegen Gewichtsafname van 8,9 kg per week

29 juni 2014

Gewicht:	Tot nu toe verloren:	Nog te gaan:	Dieet gevolgd:
129,3 kg	0 kg	57,6 kg	Niet Toepasbaar

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