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06 januari 2014

Hello All,
I know it has been a while since I wrote, but so much has happened. I got financial aid to do a weight loss program this year, but the problem is that it doesn't offset the cost of the food (shakes) you have to buy for the program. I do get a 25% discount on them, but it is still very expensive. I may need to take out a loan to pay for it as the program is 7 months and the amount I would probably be paying would be able $2,800. If I can even get a loan for that amount. I have to work out all the details that need to be considered for this program. Anyway, I want to write more but my illness is really rearing its ugly head and only lets me have a few minutes of sane time. I feel like an evil monster is controlling me and only lets me think clearly for a few seconds at a time. I hope you all have some kindness in your life, you all sound pretty happy. I will write again very soon. Talk to you all later.

PS: I do read everyone's journal entries on a daily basis and you all inspire me. God bless you all.

(8 reacties)

18 december 2013

I can be such an idiot sometimes. I come to this site for help, yet when I am into the food and not wanting to record my food, I stay away from here, even though I know here is where my fatbuddy friends are. I need to remember we are all in this together, and that I should not feel like isolating just because I have a few bad days. It's useless to tell myself this, do I listen? NOOOOO, I want to do what I want to do, even if what I want to do isn't exactly what I want to do. Now does that make sense?! It's like that scripture in the bible, where Paul says, the good I wish to do I do not do, but the bad I don't want to do I do frequently (or something like that, I'm paraphrasing). But you get the idea, you know? I mean, I don't want to do the bad things, but they just seem to be the most prevalent. AND the most EASY!!! I mean, it's so much easy to pick up a bag of cheese curls and munch away than it is to peel an orange and eat it. And besides that, the orange doesn't crunch, which is what I always desire (could have an apple, but I don't think it's the same kind of crunch as you get with tater chips). But do you get what I am saying? I mean, it's easier to go up the street and have a hamburger and fries than actually get a pan out, put water in it, cook something, put it in a plate, eat it, clean up, wash the dishes. OH GOD, the work that goes into it!!! I might actually lose a few calories if I did it that way!! Come on, we can't have that, can we?! This is the kind of stinkin' thinkin' my people are always telling me about. You see something as black when it's white, or white when it's black. It is never what it really is to me, I always have to argue that black is white and white is black, even though I SURELY know that black is black and white is white. It's like I have to forever argue with myself over needless things. I need to give up the struggle. And just let it be. Maybe I need to start listening to the Beatles...Let it be, let it be, let be, let it be....ok, no one wants to hear me sing. Someone come to RI and kick me in the ass, will ya? Or better yet, just grab me through the monitor, fly me through cyberspace, and kick my ass from where you are. UGH, sometimes it is so hard being a compulsive overeater. Sometimes it's so hard being mentally ill. Cuz the combination of both, is way over the top.

(2 reacties)

30 november 2013

Here's a mess for ya. I put my food in for today, came back later and it was gone!! How's that for a glitch?!

(1 reactie)

30 november 2013

Ok, so today started off badly. And yesterday was just atrocious, but those times are in the past, so I am starting off clean at this moment in time. This morning for breakfast I had two little packages of two cakes each, and I stopped at that (mostly because there was no more). I have been drinking mio flavored water all day, I am trying to get myself back on track of drinking water, not soda, since soda is sooooo bad for me. Soon I am going to switch to just water, but right now I need taste. I will put less and less of the mio in it at a time, then I will drink just straight water. I am hoping by doing this it will eliminate my need for flavored drinks. I ate pretty decently today, although my case manager had it in her mind that I had no food. I did go out last night and get a sandwich from the convenience store, but I also bought crap there too, so it didn't pay off. I am hoping to get back into OA soon, whether it's face 2 face meetings, online, or phone. I am hoping things will start working out for me soon. I need to start changing my understand of why I do things and how I should think about this. I have so many ideas of how to change the world, when I cannot even change myself. It needs to happen and soon. I am a better person than I feel inside. God loves me. No matter what religious group out there tells me. I do not have to have a religion to be close to God and this is what I have been struggling with for a very long time. A certain religion has been trying to rope me in because I believe in a lot of ways they do, but they keep telling me they dunno if God will save them or not. What kind of hope is that?! I need to stay away from organized religion, it is dangerous and unappealing. I am trying to get close to God but feel far off. I need to be still and know that he is God. Thanks for listening. I feel like I am just throwing my head to the wind and crying lately. Enjoy the day, everyone.

(2 reacties)

27 november 2013

Of all the stupid things I could have done. I ended up cooking a polish sausage to prevent it from going bad, and I ended up eating the ENTIRE thing! I recorded it and the numbers ARE NOT good. That throws all my exercise out the window! I really need to get a grip on this. :(

(3 reacties)

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